SanMar Journals (chronicles of a young man who almost forgot it's christmas time...)

Part 1

Pasko na, sinta ko,
Hanap-hanap kita...
Kung mawawala ka
Sa piling ko sinta
Paano ang pasko
Alay ko sa'yo

It must have been very sad for my mom as she breathed her last during that fateful day. I knew she died on a February, but it seems that she's been missing my dad who parted away seven years before she did, she never felt as sad as to spend christmas without him.

Now I'm counting two weeks before christmas, and I could still feel the sadness she left on that hospital bed seeping into my veins. I remembered holding her hand the whole night before she left. I was softly massaging her palm to probably make her feel I'm by her side, and I did that till I fell asleep. I got so used to kneading her palm I woke up the next day doing the same thing.

Whoops! Reality Check: I'm back on my bed. browsing through some paperwork and my favorite paperback Angels and Demons; the frail twinkling of our neighbor's christmas lights occasionally catching my attention.

These lights just makes my insides feel unexplainably gloomy. I have cold facts right before my face. I'll be spending the Christmas Eve with myself and my PhP. 6,000 right on my pocket - no moms or dads and even grannies to share christmas with.

Me, my money and my bed.

Sad, isn't it?

* * * *

Deck the halls with boughs of holly
Fa la la la la, la la la la
'Tis the season to be jolly
Fa la la la la, la la la la...

How could I even smile when I wouldn't even know how would I spend my Christmas Eve. Fine. Get into the nearest netcafe and eye for a possible e-date. Yahoo! Chatr, MlRC, Friendsters. Take your pick. Lord knows where would it leads to...

Late, fleeting nights. Espresso. Sex.

Sigh.

* * * *
Nights seem to get brighter these days. Almost all boarding houses here are decked with X-Mas lights and Parols. Love Radio and GMA Kapuso's getting loaded with Yuletide jingles and what-have-yous. Those cute parols on the bakery facing Cheechums look real nice. But neither any of the tinderas' faces neither show any signs of the Season's Greetings at all.

Why Not? The opposite is strewn all over the place like Maxx's plastic wrappers and Marlboro cig butts. A haggard-looking woman clutching the hand of her 3 year old kid tugs the hem of one of those Adamsonian Nursing students' blouse in hopes of getting a teeny-weeny share of their ninongs' Aguinaldos. BoyBeng's Mistress just screamed on this poor woman's face as she dared to gather the left-overs of this carinderia's customers who can't even finish a half rice+ulam meal. Front sheet of Inquirer says "I never Left Manila" says Garci. Interesting. Squirmed my hand in my pocket to buy the paper.

Too bad I only had 11 pesos. And it's 8 days before the 25th.

Merry Christmas alright.

* * * *
So you'll be going home for christmas huh? Good for you. Tell your moms and dads you love them very much while they're still around. Do it while you still can. I never had the chance to do it back when they still walked the face of this damn ugly world. I was too busy getting mad at them. "Why only 50 pesos for baon?", "Why can't I join my classmate's beer-day party?", Why do we work too much and don't spend some time to talk to me like their nice goody-two shoes son?" and a host of complaints only a loser could ever give.

Enough of these rantings before I get overwhelmed by so much guilt. You've heard too much. I don't know if I got my message across.

Don't try these on your homes.

Instead, love them while you can. And then maybe, I can sit on my bed peacefully, thinking this could be the last nightmare you readers could ever have.